


I Love You More Than I Hate Myself

by Fairylights_and_Stormynights



Series: You hate me but not as much as I hate myself [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gabriel Lives, Hurt Sam, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Gabriel, Pining Sam, Reckless Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 06:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11617617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairylights_and_Stormynights/pseuds/Fairylights_and_Stormynights
Summary: Gabriels back. Sam always noticed the archangel but when he falls for Gabriel hard, how will he deal with it? After all, something as pure as an angel would never love the boy with demon blood.Set before Self Hatred Is Contagious, how the established Gabriel/Sam happened.





	I Love You More Than I Hate Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Set before Self Hatred Is Contagious, how the established Gabriel/Sam happened.

The demon’s eyes flashed black as it ran towards Sam. Sam delivered a swift kick, pushing the demon back into the wall and swung around to stab the second demon with his knife, the blow killing the demon instantly but the body stealing the knife as it fell toward the floor. From behind, Sam heard a hiss, then a stab right into his ribs and then felt strong hands clasp around his neck crushing his windpipe. The room started to spin and Sam could feel unconsciousness creep up on him. The smell of sulphur hung in the air and the body of the other demon lay crumpled on the ground bleeding and staining the floor red with blood. 

“Sam, Sammy!” Dean crackled over the phone from where it lay in the dirt, “Sam, I’m coming don’t worry.” 

“Dean,” Sam was gasping for air, the demon's hands were clenched around his throat and he was bleeding heavily from the knife that was lodged in between his ribs. “Help,” He called out to his brother. 

Suddenly the demon’s grip lessened and then its hand fell away altogether. Sam’s head was swimming and his vision was blackened.

“You know Samshine, when I sacrificed myself for you and your chucklehead of a brother, I did think you might actually try to stay alive for once and not go out in typical Winchester fashion,”

The voice came from behind him and was accompanied by a cool touch and suddenly Sam didn’t feel like he was going to die again and the blackness left his vision. 

“Gabriel?”

“Do you know any other angel this handsome and this amazing?”

“Cas,” Sam deadpanned, his head was trying to wrap around the whole, Gabriel is alive and he just saved you thing. 

“Awwww, you wound me Samsquatch, am I really nothing to you?”

“I think I found Balthazar more attractive than you.” Sam quipped, regaining his wits, “Sorry, how are you alive again?”

“Well if you don’t count the sexy, amazing powers or the fact that Lucy couldn’t figure out a simple trick if his life depended on it, I didn’t really stay and fight him, no. I left my vessel with enough grace and enough brain activity to fight Lucy and stuffed the rest of myself into that DVD I gave you. When you played it, I was let out and free to do as I wished. The perfect witness protection, I was killed and left a will of sorts, nobody would know. However, I didn’t think about how losing the grace that was inside my vessel would affect me. It turns out that doing something like that is a stupid idea because it takes forever to restore what I lost. And it was only delayed when Metatron closed heaven. But it’s done now and I’m back to my previous amazing self. Ta-daa.” 

“What?” 

“Sam,” Dean’s voice came out from the phone that was fallen at Gabriel’s feet, “Sam are you ok? Whats going on? Who's there?” 

“Dean,” Sam bent and picked up the phone, he could have sworn that he heard Gabriel say, ‘Now that’s a sight really worth dying for,’ but by the time he turned around with the phone in hand, Gabriel was gone. “Dean, I’m ok, the demons are dead.”

“Are you hurt?” 

“Not anymore, I was healed.” Sam prodded the place where he was stabbed expectantly to find that the skin wasn’t even red. 

“By who?”

“Umm, I’m not sure if it was real, but I was healed by Gabriel.” Sam winced as he heard his brother draw a breath and he might have heard Dean count to ten and back before he responded.

“The Trickster? Didn’t he die like six, seven years back?” The anger in Dean’s tone let Sam know how pissed his brother was of the whole situation.

“Yeah, but somehow, he's back.”

“Did he say how?”

“Yeah something about leaving his vessel, I’ll tell you when you get here.”

“On my way.” The line went dead and Sam was left alone in an empty house with the bodies of the two demons on the ground. 

\-----------

Eventually, Sam started anticipating Gabriel’s arrival whenever they fought a monster or he was harmed. And through these visits, Sam started to fall in love with the littlest archangel. He started to fall for his smile and his selflessness whenever he was in danger. He fell in love with the way that Gabriel talked and the way he cared even if it was crude and hidden behind insults and quips. 

“You know,” Sam said, dusting himself off after a fight with a particularly annoying Wendigo. “All this saving that you're doing, I might start to think you care.” It was meant as a joke but Gabriel blushed. Sam raised his eyebrows.

“Oh don’t start, this is my way of stopping you and your brother storming heaven if one of you dies,” Gabriel said it nonchalantly but he was still blushing and he looked down.

“You never save Dean.”

Gabriel snorted, “Yeah but Dean-o has his own angel, and if he and Cassie can just stop eye-fucking and if Dean just gets out of the dad-damned closet then he would realise that himself.”

Sam grinned and looked down at Gabriel. 

“We better go find Dean, he’s probably too busy looking into Cas’s eyes to realise we’re done here.”

Sam started to turn but Gabriel’s hand shot out and caught his own.

“Gabe…” Sam trailed off as Gabriel’s other hand grabbed his collar and pulled him down into a searing kiss. Sam made a noise of surprise and just before he could start to kiss back Gabriel pulled away.

“I’m sorry Sam.” He muttered so low that only years of picking up tiny noises let Sam hear what he was saying. And then there was the rush of wings and Gabe was gone. 

________

Sam didn’t see Gabriel at all anymore. After the kiss, it seemed that Gabriel was avoiding Sam. He didn’t pull Sam from danger anymore and if he did save Sam it was through Cas or by teleporting Sam to other locations. Sam sighed as him and Dean finished another hunt without the appearance of the archangel. 

Why did Gabriel run? Sam had long since forgiven him for Mystery Spot. He now understood it was the angel's way of protecting him for when Dean did go to hell. He forgave Gabriel for every prank and every scheme he had played on them in the past, understanding that he only meant to protect them, himself or try and save his family. Sam understood, he would do anything for Dean. Eventually, Sam realised that the reason that Gabe was avoiding them was because he was ashamed of kissing Sam. And how could he not be? Sam himself knew how tainted he was and it repulsed him. If he, a human released and saw that, how did something as pure as an angel seem him? The boy king, The boy with demon blood, The soulless Winchester. He had so much bad on his report that it was a wonder Cas even could stand to be in the same room as him. 

Sam realised this and then found himself more disgusted with himself as he realised he didn’t care. He selfishly wants Gabriel to be near him. He wanted to hear the angel laugh and see Dean’s face when Gabe pulled a prank on him. He wanted to wake up beside him and see the trickster stretched out in bed asleep. He wanted to leave his marks on Gabriel’s body and he wanted Gabriel to leave marks in return. He want Gabriel and that revelation stumped him more than Gabriel’s disappearance had. His sudden wave of feelings for the celestial being made him understand why Dean stared at Cas so much, how hard it was to have something so perfect in front of you and not touch it. How it must be hard not to only look at Cas for eternity if Dean felt just like he did. And even though he knew it was selfish to even think about it. Sam started planning ways to get Gabriel back, even if it was only as a friend, Sam ignoring the fact that it might kill him to only look and not touch. And if Gabriel only came back when Sam was hurt or in danger, then he would just have to throw himself under the bus more than usual. Not hard considering his lifestyle.

\------------

The air in the abandoned factory was static with magic. The coven that they had burst in on lay dead upon the ground and Dean and Sam were closing in on the last witch, the leader of the coven. She was a small thing, with black pixie hair and amber eyes. She seemed almost childlike in her red dress and Sam almost felt bad about hitting her in the fight. But then a shout of magic would whiz past his ear and he remembers what a bitch she was. 

The witch was chanting in some forgotten language and before Dean could even shout, Sam was pushed through the walls behind him. Sam’s back was an explosion of pain and he could tell his head was bleeding. It hurt to breathe and there was definitely a broken limb somewhere. Wincing, Sam tried to pull himself up and was immediately met with a wave of pain. He cried out. Dean looked over at him the moment Sam yelled in pain, giving the witch an opening to attack his brother. Dean flew back as well but with less force, the hunter only slamming into the wall not breaking it. 

The witch started advancing, Dean was knocked out against a wall and the witch was grinning like the killer from a bad horror film. She stepped near Sam, so close that even though the waves of pain that were blurring his vision Sam could see her breathing. Her footsteps were light on the fallen bricks, until they weren’t and it was her crumpled body that hit the bricks next. 

Sam looked up and through the dust and stinging and throbbing of his wounds saw the shape of Gabriel standing tall in the destroyed factory, looking so much like the Angel of Justice it almost hurt. Sam looked down, not needing a reminder of why Gabe was better than him and almost passed out from the sight of his own chest, bleeding like a waterfall onto the dusty bricks and crushed plaster. Sam looked up again, he felt the darkness start to take his mind off and vaguely wondered if this was it. If he was finally going to die. If he was, he wanted the last thing he saw to be Gabriel. 

\------------

Sam’s bones seemed to be locked together as he sat up. He was in his room in the bunker and, he noted as he looked down at his chest devoid of blood, his wounds had all healed. Now that his head was no longer swimming Sam sat up and looked around his room. It was dark and only years of hunting at night let Sam see the figure sitting in his chair, watching him.

“Gabe?” Sam asked to the darkness, he couldn’t be sure from this light but it seemed like the archangel. 

“Sam,”Gabriel’s voice confirmed Sam’s suspicions and he sat up higher, 

“What happened?” Sam was asking to buy time, he didn’t know when Gabriel was going to take off or if he would stay at all. He wanted to bask in his presence but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Dean sent out a prayer to me and Cas before he was knocked out, but, the witch had warded it from angels and while her wards couldn’t stand up to yours truly, I only got there after you almost DIED!” The last word was almost shouted and Sam was grateful the walls of the bunker were pretty soundproof. “Honestly Sam, you need...you need…”Gabriel’s voice trailed off and even in the darkness of the room Sam could tell Gabe’s eyes were on him, “You need to stop putting yourself in danger.”

“Why? I’m a hunter it’s what I do. Besides,” Sam added as an afterthought, “Nobody besides Dean and Cas will miss me anyway,”

“Aren't you forgetting someone Samshine?” Gabriel sounded sad and Sam looked over at him worriedly.

“You? But...But Gabe I thought you couldn’t stand me?” Sam sounded small and he felt small despite his towering stature and physical prowess.

“Hated you? Sammy, I have many feelings towards you but none of them are hate. Not even close.” Gabriel was up now and moving closer to the bed.

“But after you kissed me…”The unspoken ‘you fled’ hung in the air.

“I was afraid.” Gabriel admitted, “I was afraid you would reject me because if you did I’m not sure I could take it.”

“What?” Sam was speechless, 

“I love you, Sam, I’ve loved you since mystery spot and I was afraid about how I felt towards you, I was afraid that my love for you would kill me, It almost did. I love you more than I’ve loved anything ever. More than my brothers, more than my father even. I tried to drive you away but it didn’t seem to work. I love you, Sam, I could never hate you. But I’m not worth your affection.” Gabriel was at Sam’s bedside now and Sam could see that Gabriel’s eyes were filled with tears.

“Gabriel,” Sam whispered and he leant over and kissed Gabriel softly. When he pulled away Gabriel had a stunned look on his face. “I love you too. I’ve long since forgiven you for everything, for the mystery spot, for turning baby pink during the prank war with Dean. Gabe, I love so much, I kept letting the monsters get extra swings in because I hoped you would heal me.” And he leant over to kiss him again and Gabriel met him halfway. 

Their kiss was warm and sent a fuzzy sensation all over Sam’s body, he was half concentrating on the kiss and half wishing and hoping that it wasn’t a dream. Gabriel reached his hands over Sam’s shoulders and pulled at the hair at the nape of Sam’s neck. Sam let out a low groan and Gabriel pushed his tongue in, deepening the kiss. 

“Wait,” Gabriel pulled away and looked to Sam, “Before we continue, are you sure about this? Because once I have you, I’m kinda like a limpet and I’ll never let you go.” 

As an answer, Sam pulled Gabriel in for another kiss and let one hand drift down and under the angel’s shirt. Pulling away just enough for him to speak he used his remaining hand to push some stray hairs from Gabriel’s face.

“What’s to say I don’t want that, because if I can have you, then I’d like to see you try and go.” Gabriel moaned from the words alone and pushed his lips back to Sam’s.

“Then get started tiger, because we’re not leaving this room until we have made up for all the lost time.” And with that, he crawled on top of Sam and captured his lips in a kiss. 

“Agreed,”


End file.
